Hi Reader,

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I love to be vulnerable and transparent. It's one of the many privileges that come with the security of being white and having done lots of inner work.

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Today, I share a story of a moment I'm not so proud of but learned an important lesson along the way.

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In my second year of being a doula, I was contacted by a potential client planning a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). I was excited to have my first VBAC client and eagerly went to meet them for our interview.

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Who I met was a woman who never smiled and complained about everything and everyone, a husband who seemed afraid of his own shadow, and a 3-year-old daughter who played by herself without making a peep.

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No matter who or what we encounter, doulas are trained to be compassionate. My mentor, Penny Simkin, said, “You may not like how a person behaves, but they have a darned good reason for it, which you may never get to understand.” She taught us to accept people as they are, meet them where they’re at, and help them get where they want to go.

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So, even though I personally didn’t like this person, I took in a deep breath of compassion (plus, remember, I wanted VBAC experience) andI let them hire me.

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I’m going to spare you all the details to speed the story along and protect my client’s privacy, so I’ll just tell you that I dutifully attended our prenatal visits even though she was very unpleasant to be around and made it very difficult for me to be my usual compassionate self. My mantra during those visits was, “I may not understand why she acts this way, but she has a very good reason for it.” I had to use that mantra often.

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When she went into labor, I braced myself for even worse behavior and it was a good thing. She had a normal enough birth, but she was miserable to everyone around her—refusing to let her husband touch or comfort her, yelling at the nurse, barking orders at me. It's usually easy to be compassionate with someone who is rude in labor because, well, they’re in labor! But she was just cruel.

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Walking down the hall with her midwife in a rare reprieve to fetch my client some water, her midwife said, “Bet you’ve never seen someone quite as mean as her before.” Truth. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

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And never had I dreaded a postpartum visit like I did with this client. While driving to our final visit, I chanted—out loud—“You never have to see her again. You never have to see her again. You never have to see her again” to convince myself to keep going. After that visit was done, I filed her notes away and shut the drawer on her forever.

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Or so I thought.

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Three years later, I’m in the elevator at a doctor appointment when the doors open to…you guessed it: The client I’d never have to see again. Her little one was in a stroller and she rolled in and stood next to me.

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“Hi, how are you?” I asked.
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“Good, how are you?” she replied.
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“Wow, look how big your baby is,” I said.
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“Yep, they grow fast, huh?”

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She didn’t seem to want more connection, and I was grateful for that.

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“It’s good to see you again,” she said as the doors opened and I got out on my floor.

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“You too,” I lied.

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Later that year in December, I was opening the holiday cards sent from former clients with pictures of their growing families. One envelope was smaller than the rest, with no festive stamps or decorations. It was a thank you note from the subject of this email.
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“Thank you for being there for me at a really dark time in my life. Your kindness, compassion, and care meant so much to me. I’ll never forget you.”

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The card enclosed a check for $200. Just because.

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Penny was right. We may never know what’s going on in someone’s life, but we can always show up with compassion and make a difference.

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This client reminded me that I showed up and did what I was supposed to do as a doula. I left my personal feelings at the door. I did what was needed in the moment. I found camaraderie in her midwife’s comment when I thought it was just me struggling with her behavior. I found ways to cope and get through it. I did my job.

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And it made a difference.

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We’ll always meet people in life that we don’t like or agree with. But see what happens when you extend compassion. Accept that you may never know what they are going through, but they’ve got a darned good reason for it.

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What I'm listening to, reading, and watching:

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​The Bear—My friend, Margaret, recommended this one. I thought it had something to do with the popular meme going around last year where women chose which was scarier: a man or a bear. Nope. It’s a tight romp into the bowels of a restaurant, the owner, the crew, and a lot of complicated history. I was hooked before the first episode ended. On Hulu.

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​The Guest List—Lucy Foley. (I never read murder mysteries, but this one was assigned by my book group.) A group of self-absorbed, miserable-on-the-inside-but-grand-on-the-surface adults (who act like entitled children) gather for a wedding on a remote island in Ireland. A storm brews, the guests get drunk as skunks, and someone gets murdered. Great depictions of the remote environs but, alas, I couldn’t give one fuck about any of the characters. But the cake? I want the cake.

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What are you listening to, reading, or watching that you think I’d like? Reply and let me know.

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Hoping you get to give and receive all the compassion in the world,
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Carrie

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Carrie Kenner

Author, ​So You Want to Be a Doula​​

​​​Website​​​​

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P.S. I’m serializing parts of my upcoming book, Becoming a Birth Doula, on Substack. Check it out if you’re interested in more than just the role and the training, but want to understand the deeper transformation of becoming a doula.